Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. When people attempt to forge relationships with each other they won’t always agree on everything they want or should do. When these situations occur they must effectively address the conflict or over time they will drift farther and farther apart. How both of you handle these situations will mean everything to the quality of your relationship. While I believe that an evenly yoked relationship where both spouses believe in Jesus has the best chance of surviving, if you are not able to handle conflict effectively, you won’t make it. For other relationships where both people don’t have the same beliefs, the challenge is even greater.

You’ll see that my picture above looks almost the same as my “What direction is your relationship going in?” picture. The reason is simple. Everything in that picture applies to this one as well. Both people bring things into the relationship that impacts their ability to resolve conflict. Things they are aware of and many things they may not be aware of. When there’s conflict that’s when these things arise either consciously or unconsciously. If you find yourself right now in a relationship where you’re having trouble resolving conflicts, first look inside and see what you may be contributing to the process. It’s very easy to point at and blame the other person, but it takes two people to have a healthy relationship and that means you need to be healthy. What may you need to improve or learn to do to work through these most challenging of growth opportunities? I believe that I truly met and forged my relationship with God as I engaged in this process.

  • What helps for you to do:
    Listen
    Reflect back what your spouse says
    Continue to pursue even with push back
    Forgive and give grace
    Keep God at the center
    Think of your spouse, not just yourself
    Be aware of what’s happening in your own heart (responding to a $10 issue with a $10 response)
    Act out of love rather than fear
    Understand your past and how it supports the items above
  • What hurts for you to do:
    Yell
    Call names, hit or be abusive
    Be defensive
    Be passive aggressive (say you will do something and not do it or do it very slowly)
    Not listen
    Think of only yourself
    Be unaware of what’s happening in your heart (giving a $100 response to a $10 issue)
    Act out of fear rather than love
    Understand your past and how it supports the items above

You may be in an unhealthy relationship and thinking that you need to leave or you may be unhappy and think that you need to leave. If you are being abused, and your spouse is out of control, by all means you need to take action, but if it’s just hard and difficult you should persevere and continue to work on yourself and your relationship with God. Your spouse should not be the center of your life. Your relationship with God should be at the center. If you’re both working towards improving your relationship with God, that will inevitably move you both closer to each other. In this way you’ll be able to most effectively reflect the love of God to each other and to the world. If your spouse is not moving toward God, you should pray for them and continue to show God’s love to them as the Holy Spirit guides you.

This picture and the ideas I’m sharing came at great cost. They did not come from a classroom, but from the experiences only learned through life’s most challenging trials. My prayer is that you can apply these lessons to your own situation.