Hello and thank you for taking the time to read my testimony. My goal is to share with you my experience of having my life completely transformed by who I now believe to be the creator of the Universe and everything we know. I do this with the hope that you too would have an encounter like I did but uniquely your own.
If you would ask people who know me what I’m like, they would most likely say he’s a nice guy. For more than 35 years, I also thought I was a nice guy and in many ways I was, but in many significant ways I was not. I had a good childhood. I had a mom and dad who loved me. I had grandparents and an older sister and younger brother who did as well. I was a good athlete. I did pretty well in school. I had lots of friends and girlfriends. I was my senior class vice president. I played NCAA Division 1 soccer for 4 years in college and during my time there, I spent a summer helping people in Appalachia. I got a cool job after I graduated at GM and even flew in the Goodyear Blimp. I then spent two years in Thailand in the U.S. Peace Corps trying to help those less fortunate. I was a nice guy or so I thought.
On my way home after the Peace Corps I traveled for three months through India, Nepal and Europe. I saw Mother Theresa’s home in Calcutta, I trekked in the Himalayas, I explored New Delhi and went to the Taj Mahal. In Europe I went to Rome and saw the Vatican. I visited Florence, Venice, Nice, Barcelona, Madrid, Strasbourg, Munich, the Dachau concentration camp, Paris and London to name just a few of the places. Though I had opportunities to go many places after the Peace Corps, I decided to go back home to be close to friends and family. I went back to GM, dated several women and finally got married. We eventually bought a big house in a beautiful community on a street that literally had my name contained in the street name. I got a new job, my master’s degree, another new job, and I continued to climb the corporate ladder receiving what I considered to be a fairly large salary at age 35. To top it all off I was fortunate enough to have two wonderful little girls that I love more than anything. If you were looking from the outside you might have thought that everything was pretty good, but underneath a volcano was ready to erupt and so many of the things that I thought represented success, started to lose their meaning.
In so many ways I was still a little boy inside with no real sense of who I was, what my purpose was in life or where I was heading. My life was a series of pursuits to please others since I learned at an early age that there were many benefits that came from being the “nice guy.” It started out by wanting to please my parents, but it didn’t stop there. I tried to please teachers and administrators at school as well as coaches. I also did it with friends. It was easier to do what my friends wanted to do rather than have a conflict to do what I wanted. With my managers at work this drive to want to please served me well for the most part, but it also left me questioning. With women it was a little more complicated, but similar. In the beginning of the relationship, I would be whoever they wanted me to be in order for them to like me. I liked a lot of different things and was interested in many different things so I would be the perfect boyfriend for a while. This strategy, which I had honed over time, that I was completely unconscious of, was no longer delivering as I watched my marriage of 12 years crumble.
When you live to please others, there’s one thing you get very good at and that is not showing your anger. It certainly doesn’t mean that you don’t get angry, it just means that you stuff it down inside rather than showing it. I was very angry and I had a lot of resentment, but I wasn’t aware of it and it was so natural for me to just push it down. This is a recipe for disaster in a relationship. When you add to this the idea that I thought I could rescue my wife from the pain she had experienced as a child, you have the ingredients needed to create fireworks.
There were a lot of “red flags” that I was blind to right from the very beginning. When she told me that I was the only man she could trust, I should have known something was wrong. I was put on a pedestal on which I didn’t belong. Before we ever got married, I went to counselors because I was very concerned that I was not doing the right thing. I convinced myself that it was because I hadn’t fully committed and if I just committed to the relationship, everything would work out. I did commit, but I was not on solid ground. I found that what I knew about people, relationships and life was completely inadequate for confronting the situation which I faced.
My wife eventually became the center of my world and everything I did revolved around her. Don’t think of this as a good thing, let me explain. One of the reasons I was attracted to her was because I thought she didn’t have the checklist of items she was looking for in a husband that so many of the women I dated had. Even though I wasn’t aware of this at the time, I thought I would not be controlled by her the same way I had been by my mom. I took advantage of this for a time before I did what I naturally do by wanting to please her at least in ways that were easy for me. It was easy for me to do physical things that were helpful like cleaning the garage or running out to get her coffee, but if there were things that were more difficult that I was not good at, didn’t agree with or that involved potential conflict, I would avoid them like the plague. That’s when the lying really started to cause problems. I would lie to avoid the conflict. Since we were never ever able to resolve any issue, I would dread any discussion and would lie or procrastinate to avoid these encounters. This just made everything worse. I would literally walk as quietly as I could around the house for fear that she would hear a squeak from our old hardwood floors and call for me to come talk to her. While I gave her many reasons to be angry with me, the firestorm that was unleashed from within her toward me was fueled by something much deeper. The verbal abuse became constant, even in front of the kids, extended family and friends, but the episodes of rage and physical abuse were sporadic and had a much greater impact on me. Only looking back did I realize that I was the outlet for the anxiety that built up inside her. When that anxiety became too much, she needed an outlet for the anger and I was that outlet. We both needed serious help.
When did I encounter God? I did not have one of those experiences that you may have heard about where the person goes to church after not being there for a long time and feels the love of God wash over them and miraculously becomes a believer. For me, the journey was much longer, but equally as powerful. I’m sure I heard the gospel as a child, but I can’t remember. My mom was Catholic so we started off going to church on Sundays with her until that ended sometime during elementary school. My dad didn’t go to church, but my grandparents who were Methodists did and we went with them on many occasions. I knew my grandparent’s faith was important to them, but for me that was something to which I couldn’t relate. The stories in the Bible, like Noah’s ark or Jonah and the whale, seemed like fairy tales that were certainly not real. As for Jesus, I thought of him as a good teacher and nothing more. When it came to God, I turned my back on Him and pushed Him away. In high school I once said “I would be a priest if I believed, because if Jesus truly is the son of God that would change everything, but I don’t believe so it doesn’t matter.”
So what got my attention and turned me in a different direction? It was something I couldn’t control. I started taking tylenol a couple of times a day for headaches during the time I was getting my master’s degree and working full time. They weren’t that painful. It just felt like pressure and I attributed it to stress of which I had plenty. Over time it got worse and I switched to extra strength Tylenol. Finally, when I went in for an eye exam, the optometrist shined her light into the back of my eyes and said I had something called papilledema or pressure on the back of my eyeball. There are no good causes of papilledema. I ended up getting an MRI and there in the center of my head was a bright white ball. “You have a brain tumor” my doctor said, while I looked at my scan and talked to him on the phone, and “you have hydrocephalus or water on the brain.” Now I knew why I had the headaches. I don’t remember being scared as I unconsciously minimized the impact of those words. I was more concerned about how my wife and parents would handle the news. The brain tumor was not allowing my spinal fluid to exit my head and go down my spine which caused my brain to be crushed against my skull. The doctors said this must have happened over time, because if it had happened quickly, I’d be dead.
When my surgeon drilled the hole in my head to begin the operation to open up a path for the spinal fluid to exit, she said she had never seen fluid shoot so high into the air. In the recovery room, when I woke up after the surgery, I told her that I felt like an elephant had just stepped off my head. Right around that time, I had an experience that would forever change my life. Though I wasn’t touching anyone, I could feel what I can only describe as a sensation of love extending between me, my sister and others. I couldn’t see it, but it was so real and it connected all of us, and I knew deep down that it was God. From this point on, the barrier that I had constructed in front of my heart and mind, that had been so closed to God prior, finally began to crack.
Before I went back to work, I also had the distinct impression that God was wanting me to do His work. I knew that was not what I had been doing, but I disregarded this, thinking to myself that my wife is expecting me to go back, how can I do anything different? So I went back to work. The girls were born which was wonderful, but my oldest had special needs and there was even more stress and things continued to get worse.
Ever since highschool I had always been a deep thinker and I always wanted to know the answers to life’s ultimate questions; Why are we here? What’s the purpose of all this? Why all the suffering? These questions pursued me for years, and were behind much of my restlessness. I received a minor in Philosophy and studied world religions in college. In the Peace Corps I lived with Bhudists and Muslims and even though I had gone to Thailand to find answers, I came back empty. It wasn’t until the “brain tumor” and the crack in my armor that God allowed me to start to see more of His reality. I picked up a book in the airport called “The Purpose Driven Life.” After flipping open the cover and learning that it was about Christianity, I did something I would never have done prior. I read the entire book on a flight to Atlanta and during the flight, I looked out the window and saw a rainbow. I can remember it like it was yesterday.
During this time it was as if a war was being waged for my soul on many different fronts. In my mind, the intellectual battle was roaring as I was confronted with a great deal of new information of which I was unaware about the Bible, Jesus and history. Some of this new information was delivered by pastors that for the first time in my life related what the scripture said directly to what I was experiencing. I sat for a long time and listened to these life changing messages. Around this same time I also began reading a chronological version of the Bible that I had been given. As I read God’s story a connection was made between my heart and God. While intellectually I was still struggling to get to that place where I could fully believe, God was busy entering my heart through a back door and I was falling in love with Him. While reading, I realized that God longed to have a relationship with me and how much it grieved Him for me to continuously push Him away.
Another front in this war for my soul raged in my conscience, after reflecting on certain scriptures. I can still remember where I was during one of these times when I was convicted down to the core of my being. It was Jesus speaking in Matthew 5:27-28 “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” As I was made aware of this, I realized that God knew my thoughts and convicted me, but not like a judge convicting a felon, more as if to say I know you better than you know yourself and you need me.
While all this was going on there were also a variety of messages that came in like reinforcements to the battle. There was a video of the funeral service for a pastor’s dad with his kids and grandkids talking about what a wonderful man he was. There was a skit that was done at church showing God walking right next to the person searching for Him and never realizing He was there. There was a nature video set to music that made me stop and realize that there had to be a Designer for all the beauty we see in this world. It was as if there was someone orchestrating all these activities in order to bring me to a decision point one Sunday at church. They were asking people to walk across the stage at the front and to pin a piece of paper representing your sins to a huge cross. Before this time, I would have just watched as others walked across, but on that day I made the decision that I would get up and go also. My wife said to me not long after this while we were in conversation with some other people “you’re born again.” It stopped me in my tracks. Me? “born again?” A “born again” Christian? I was. Rather than being repelled by that label, I thought to myself I am and I thanked God.
After believing that Jesus truly is the Son of God, it did change everything for me. Rather than my wife being at the center of my world, I was given a new identity, a new purpose and a new family. There was no magic wand that made everything miraculously better, but I knew I wasn’t alone. I knew that He was walking with me and would be with me through all of it. One of Jesus’ parables talks about sowing seed. The seed is the gospel or good news that Jesus came and died for us “sinners” so that believing in Him we could be reunited in relationship with God our Father. The seed falls in different locations where it doesn’t grow, but dies. I was incredibly fortunate enough, by God’s grace (His unearned favor), to land in soil that allowed me to grow. I had a good church, but most importantly for where I was at, I was invited by a close friend to join a small men’s group with guys that were trying to pursue what it really means to be a Christian and live with God at the center of your life.
Though I had no idea what to expect, I went to the group the first time and knew that God had placed me there for a reason. I felt as if I was part of a band of brothers fighting against a very dark enemy. We always said in the group that we got ourselves lost deep in the woods, but at least we were not alone and we had a guide (Jesus) to help get us out. The group offered me the opportunity to actually let people into all the craziness that was happening in my life, not to simply get it off my chest, but to help me discern what God might be trying to say to me during that time. This is when I first began to start to untangle the jumble of thoughts, feelings, memories and motivations that led me to where I was at.
To untangle all the stuff that was inside me was not easy, but God was able to use a story weekend in Northern Michigan, to really jumpstart the process. This weekend, that was sponsored by a men’s ministry that my small group was a part of, allowed me to share my story with other men in a completely safe environment while other more experienced men facilitated and asked questions. There were three huge things that happened to me during this time. One was to understand the depth of the brokenness of this world and myself by listening to the other men’s stories. If we are willing to look objectively at our lives, there is a lot for us to grieve even if we had pretty good childhoods. The second was that it allowed me to release the years of emotions that I had stuffed down inside that had deadened my heart. As I told my story the flood gates that were holding back the years of stuffed down emotions opened up in a healthy way, in tears. The third thing occurred on Sunday as we shared the Lord’s table or communion. It was as if after listening to all the brokenness in the stories the previous day, that what Jesus had done for us was made abundantly clear. I no longer needed to hide behind the “nice guy” facade. I was free to be who God designed me to be no matter what the cost, but it took time.
As I continued going to the group, there was a part of me in the back of my mind that had been marching towards divorce even though I knew that was totally against what God wanted. In group one night, one of the guys asked me if that’s what I was planning. It was and I had already met with an attorney to discuss it. I realized, right then that I had not been loving my wife the way God expected me too. I hadn’t been truthful. I wasn’t being a man, the way the Bible describes it. Around this same time the leader of the men’s ministry was teaching a series of messages about our purpose as creatures created by God to glorify Him and specifically male image bearers designed to reflect Him in a unique masculine way that was different from women. This was a series of messages that I had been longing for most of my life, but wouldn’t have been ready to hear before then. The messages provided direction like a compass, rather than a specific “how to” guide. The bottom line was that they rang true to the core of my being and came right from scripture. So as I learned and discussed these things in my group, I also began to practice them. I stopped moving toward divorce and my wife promised to stop the verbal and physical abuse.
This time of attempting to move towards and love my wife and at the same time not accept the abuse was where I believe I truly met God. Left to my own desires, I would have simply thrown up my arms and went through with the divorce, but instead I tried to do what I felt God wanted me to do. I certainly didn’t do it perfectly. I would still occasionally lie to avoid her reaction, but mostly I would tell the truth and take the punishment that I knew was coming. In many ways, my acceptance of the behavior over a long period of time, made overcoming it all the more challenging.
During this time of movement toward my wife, God blessed us with a wonderful son. He was and is a gift from God, however he was born into a very stressful situation. “A man shouldn’t allow himself to be hit or to be called names without some kind of response,” our ministry leader and the only counselor who actually gave me practical advice, told me one day. But, how do you respond? What’s the right response? I constantly cried out to God for help and direction. I spent many nights in a school parking lot not far from our house after I had left because of the abuse. I so wanted to comfort the crying kids, but was not able to because my wife blocked me from them and I felt helpless.
How can a person allow themselves to be abused? You may have asked yourself that question. The next part of the journey God was taking me on was to get to the bottom of this question for myself. One of the first things I learned is that healthy people have healthy boundaries. I didn’t know what a boundary was or that I should have them or that I should respect others boundaries. I had to learn to have boundaries and enforce boundaries and it was incredibly hard to navigate. Thankfully, God is patient, loving and kind and I sensed His presence and felt His grace every time I attempted to draw a line and then move it several times, before finally standing up and making it firm. If you were watching this process, it was painful, but for me I was learning and growing. God was showing me what life was supposed to be like.
My men’s group would listen to my struggles so I wasn’t alone and then gather around me and pray for me before sending me back to the house after group. I don’t remember how many times this happened, but I believe without their support I would have simply run. We had been going to counseling and the abuse was continuing and becoming more intense as I learned to set and keep boundaries. Finally, there was a day and an event where I felt God say to me “it’s ok, that’s enough” and I decided to get a legal separation. I knew that I would not be able to see the kids, if parenting time was not enforced. Leaving the house was probably the most painful thing I have ever done. Even writing about it now, brings up so much of the pain from the past. It wasn’t until I was out of the house, that I began to realize just how bad the abuse had been and I started the healing process though that would take a long time.
After three years of separation and a great deal more drama that I will spare you from here, there came a point where I decided to turn the separation into a divorce which I hoped would make clear that our relationship was over. Tearing a family apart is never part of God’s plan. I’m sure that it breaks His heart whenever He watches it happen. Our God is all about reconciliation and restoration, however sometimes in this fallen world, with broken people, there comes a time where we must move to make way for something new to grow out of the ashes.
During this time I also felt God leading me to go to seminary to study the Bible. I did and it was a wonderful experience, however I didn’t finish because I felt God was leading me in a different direction. While there, I had to write several papers, and in doing so I realized that God designed me to think in pictures and words, but mostly pictures. Ever since I was young, I loved artists that communicated with pictures and words, not so much cartoons but ideas. The picture below was one of the first pictures I created and it truly represents my journey from being lost to finding God and walking with Him. You can see the words Chaos & Confusion in the background. The words are made up of hundreds of pictures representing the incredible diversity of our world and all the suffering, pain, joy, happiness, ideas, religions, places, emotions, situations and events that you can imagine. In the center are all of life’s most difficult questions. Why am I here? What’s my purpose? What happens when I die? Among others. Hovering above the chaos & confusion and the questions are larger, beautiful pictures of God’s wondrous creation. They whisper to us that there is something bigger, more and greater than what we know.

God has allowed me to see many more of these pictures and I’ve created a website where I can share them. They all come from what God shows me about any given subject and they represent answers to many of the questions for which I had sought answers most of my life.
As God continued to work in me, there was a point in my men’s group where I went from being the needy guy who was desperately drawing life from the other men in the group to understanding that I had something to give and contribute based on what God had led me through. This transition enabled me to begin co-facilitating the group and encouraging men to fight for their marriages and families putting God at the center. I now also co-facilitate another men’s group and story weekends as well and I have found that God has led many men to me with similar struggles that I went through so that I am able to help them navigate the rough waters.
I’m now on the board of the men’s ministry which supports my men’s groups and our mission is to offer men hope and direction in a fallen world through Jesus Christ. I thank all of my friends that have walked beside me on my journey for continuing to point me towards God as He truly is the answer for which we are seeking.
Thank you for listening to my story. I hope that God uses it to move you further along on your journey with Him.